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[18 Jun 2008|10:12pm] so i finally made the move. i'm not exactly putting this journal to rest but it's going to print. 1034 pages of print to be exact. so to find some short, sweet and swanky posts about post-grad life you can find me (and please do!) at http://cockeyedoptimist.wordpress.com/ see you there! 2 said whats| post comment

[16 May 2008|08:16pm] i just tried to make a new journal and freaked out! combination of the anxiety before you get a hair cut and calling a boy for the first time. i'm going to wait till the time is right. .. what's that from? promise you'll still all be my friends? remember when i made this icon 5 years ago? and now the movie is coming out? i'm old. post comment

[12 May 2008|04:32am] we had taken a trip to providence that morning. A small shard of paint lodged itself into my hand as i ran it down a railing on our way from a sweet spot with a view. Damn. I immediately put my finger in my mouth, began to suck at the splinter hoping to pull it out.  As my tounge ran over my finger I thought of him.  I was a little too sober last night. Everyone was either holding a beer or inappropriately holding each other. I made my way through the crowds with my camera hoping to catch something magical when my eye caught something less magical. My stomach sunk knowing that I would be paranoid for the rest of the night.  i was frustrated by texting and fell asleep without brushing my teeth. He came into my room an hour later. He looked taller than I had remembered in a half dreamy daze. He took off his clothes and slid into bed next to me.  i was afraid to say anything, to ask him any questions about his night. I was afraid if I opened my mouth ideas would bubble up, ruin my composure and knowing myself soon the tears would be flowing. i welcomed his arms around me,  running his fingers up and down my back and thighs. I don’t know whether I was able to keep my distance or if he knew I needed a different type of affection but I fell asleep soundly without my mind running in and out of hysteria.  In the morning I went to run my hands over his body when I noticed my finger was sore and infected. A small black speck of paint was imbedded in my finger surrounded by inflamed red flesh. I began to dig my nail into the my finger, pushing against the alien object. Instinctually I looked up at him and offered him the job. I trusted him as he took my finger in his hand, brought his face close to the sight of entry and pushed his fingernails over and over my splinter. It hurt. I let out small sharp squeals but smiled as I turned and caught his level of concentration.  It should have broke me down, a little moment of anxiety to attach an emotional response. but I wanted it out of me. I wanted that little piece that had been stuck in me for longer than I could remember to go away, and let me be able to say goodbye in peace.  Once in the shower my hands  became softer and with tweezers we were able to break skin and remove the fleck. It was bittersweet. It would be the last thing we did together. Something to derive pleasure and satisfaction.  I walked him down to the doorstep and flung my arm around him. Up on my toes I buried my face into his neck and felt those tender strings of tears starting to form on my face.  “nodon’tmakemecry” I laughed as I pushed away from him and told him “I’ll talk to you soon.” I didn’t cry. I packed my things, got in the car on the way home for mothers day. Two hours later my phone buzzed. “how’s the drive?” I placed the phone to my lips and kissed the keypad. in the car i always plan out entries. especially when i drive after something particuarly noteworthy. after writing this i remembered i had written it already. three years ago.reading it again i think i did actually transfer trains. score one for the team. post comment

[30 Apr 2008|12:02am] June 16th 2004- Last day of high school surprisingly, not much has changed. post comment

[29 Apr 2008|11:16pm] i was cursing myself as i walked up from usdan to shapiro in the pouring rain. i hadn't worn my rainboots, forgotten my umbrella and neglected to leave the house with even a jacket. i submitted to the wetness, my hair stuck to my face and i couldn't see through my glasses. when i finally got into usdan to sit for hours at senior sign out i took off my glasses and rubbed them against the bottom of my shirt, the only dry spot on me. the clear plastic snapped between my thumb and forefinger. fuck. the glasses were still wearable. when i got home i placed a small piece of tape over the crack and hoped to get them fixed sometime soon. today i made my way to the natick mall to see what could be done. "Hi! How are you today" the nice saleswoman asked getting up from her chair "I'm ok, hopefully you can make me better! I broke my glasses is there anything you can do?" "Nope." she responded. i don't let things like this stress me out. things get broken. they are replaceable. but suddenly all the anxiety that i had kept at bay (like xtinas boyfriends)were immediately focused on this small piece of glass and plastic in my hands. "why don't you pick out another pair and i can try to fit your existing lenses?" "i don't want a new pair. those glasses are me!" the thought of graduating, moving to mississippi, and starting a whole new life is awfully exciting. but its a whole lot of change. it means i'm getting old. and this? (glasses?) this can't get old. my head began to reel.. how will anyone recognize me without my clear glasses? but it won't even matter because in a few weeks i'll be in a place where no one even knows i wear glasses. they don't know me. why don't i pick out a new pair? that's like picking out a new life! a new personality! i can be the smart stoic girl with the black frames or the artsy eccentric one with blue and purple. i can start all over. it can't happen. there is so much moving all around me that this. this has to stay still. i have to stay the same in some small way. i felt a little silly in the store. she looked at me with such sad eyes. that most people after two years would love the excuse to pick out new glasses. she recommended i look for the frames online. i will most likely go back and try again. but the notion of a little piece of me changing scared me today. knowing that in a few weeks a lot of me will be changing. tomorrow is my last day of classes. i hope it doesn't rain. post comment

[21 Apr 2008|09:51pm] i was about to close up shop. i had always planned to end this journal when i graduated with the intention of printing a hard copy. 7 years of 838 entries makes 912 pages of hard copy. i've expressed my fascination with documentation here before, and something about this digital archive of my teenage emotional history didn't seem right out on the internet anymore. i want it to have a cover and a place under my bed for my kids to find someday and discover things about themselves through my own musings. but when i brought this up to my dear friend leah she exclaimed "no! not yet! you need a conclusion!" i adore my friends that have read this for so many years, even if it's just for procrastination late night in the library or to bitterly critique if i didn't give them a fair percent of photographic representation. i'm surprised it's gone with far, to sitting at lunch with people who also have been journaling, although more consistently than i have lately. so i dedicate this last entry (last? most likely not.. it's only april) to my friends who never criticized me for being so open and self indulgent with my feelings here, and encouraged the stories that seem to follow me over the years. see the trick? making this about the reader and not about myself... ha like livejournal is for anyone but the author. but i digress. i've recently been criticized, by a man who while i believe had good intentions always had the habit of using words that made me sad. he approached me about something i had written that was public, on facebook, then proceeded to call me names while laughing. he never liked this journal, he may be the reason i didn't write. "why do you have to talk about it? why does everyone have to know?" i used to be sensitive to it. lately i've celebrated the discourse. when i have happy and exciting things to talk about, it's a joy to share them with people who are supportive and enjoy me. and when i have not so exciting news, but difficult decisions, it's nice to know their ears are open to that as well. two years ago, new years eve, i contemplated my motives after this same man called me the same names. "this has to do with getting older and defining my personality.i'd always be the one to give easy advice, where people would smile and laugh and say "of course that's what you think rachel" with a causual moral code. but what if that is all bullshit? what if sex is a bigger deal then i've always made it out to be? what if i am a slut? has this become more that just good stories, with experimenting and having fun? is this who i am destined to be with patterns i can't break or even more scary don't think i should break?" January 1. 2007 i almost had that same reaction this time around. but i've realised that a person cannot associate with people that call them names, no matter how much you think they care about you. i will not be ashamed of my sex life. scratch that, i will celebrate my sex life. because it's been very fruitful lately. "it started in a steam room" i've taken up with a man that provides me with a delightful curiosity. he's made me curious about myself not in a stressful frustrating way, but with a great sense of humor and lightness. to question who i can be in a relationship with and what that relationship can be like. it can be fun! over the years of trauma and destruction that this journal has covered, this last few months i've seemed to pick around the parts of the meal that aren't satisfying and relished in the decadent sweetness of fresh cherries and the taste of wine from a water glass. i've managed to capture the bits of anticipation and mystery with a surprising element of routine and comfort. it's not all perfect. and i should also declare that not all about the namecalling man was all that awful, although he'll probably find new names for me if he reads this. many months of sweetness, laughter and love made me very happy at times. but it's all been a learning experience most of it feel like television. this short affair will be remembered as sweet because i tried to keep it from becoming too real. without the conversations about "where is this going", without showing too much interest about what he does when i'm not around, without admitting that i really like him. although i guess i just did. oh leah, how did this become all about boys? i was supposed to talk about growing up and graduating and my future. next time. and with pictures. i promise. 3 said whats| post comment

[08 Mar 2008|03:35pm] listening to the rain fall this hard reminds me of the night i lost my virginity. i was expected home twenty minutes ago but convinced that if it didn't happened at that very moment i would have lost it, continued in the abusive quasi-relationship that i couldn't keep from obsessing over. that this event would secure everything that i could imagine to be important to me. i remember the rain hitting the skylight and him searching around his room in the dark and afterwards him laughing that no one would notice if i was walking funny the next day. i remember not being very impressed and obsessed over if he felt the same way. i hope i'm lucky enough to be able to feel that sense of security again, whether completely fabricated of not. the notion that one action, experience, phone call will make me feel as safe as i did that night. and i hope it's soon, because lately nothing has seemed secure or solid and i need something substantial to hold on to. isn't it supposed to rain in april? post comment

[04 Feb 2008|09:23am] i was visited by three of my past loves in a dream last night. like a combination of the ghosts of a christmas carol and Cinderellas fairy godmother I dreamed of this big hotel party. and as i traveled though the rooms they were there to celebrate with me. separately, in a bathtub, a kitchen, and an elevator they held my hand and we laughed over old memories. i ended up in a treehouse with a typewriter looking down on the party. i guess some things are just meant to be documented. i woke up satisfied for the first time in a long time. that loves like that come back to you when you need them the most. 2 said whats| post comment

[29 Jan 2008|08:55pm] 1. A coworker of mine stepped in to my office today and casually mentioned she "saw a Spice Girl downstairs" As my heart nearly skipped a beat I lept from my chair and began to run down the spiral looking for anything spicy. I got a hint she was in the gift shop at the anaconda tank. I peeked my head into the shop and saw a redheaded small woman with big boots and a british accent. Ginger Spice right before my very eyes. She was with an assortment of Spice Girl children. I felt close to god. it was pretty empty. i think if i was working on the floor i would have talked to her "oh hi. stop right now. thank you very much.look at that turtle." 2. My favorite new song. Red Rubber Ball. 3. Word of the day: Rebus. 4. Fuck this. My heart hurts. 2 said whats| post comment

[24 Dec 2007|04:32pm] ( not always home for the holidays ) 1 said what| post comment

[20 Dec 2007|09:19pm] ( 2007 Recap:but 2008 always seemed so far away ) 1 said what| post comment

[22 Oct 2007|10:59pm] ( life lately ) post comment

[17 Oct 2007|05:58pm] i lost my journaling habit.but i haven't lost the habit of internet procrastination and i still read everyone else's journal. i felt guilty. here are some things about me. note: i lost my phone on the train. someone found it and began to send perverted text messages to my friends. i thought it was funny. this guy really hit the jackpot seeing as most of the things he wrote were not so out of character so he ended up with some genuine responses. I didn't realize that it was odd until ben laughed saying that if this had happened to anyone else they would not take it as lightly. i have a knack for taking things lightly. as i was finishing my third paper of the semester i had an overwhelming feeling of exctiment to graduate and to not write papers for a long time. it was the first time i've felt excited about graduating and slowly i'm realizing how senior year is nice but this lifestyle is starting to tire me. i've been taking pilates and running miles and eating vegetables and trying to come to terms that after years of all my complaning and sneering at healthy people i finally understand how it can feel good. i'm taking a biology of marine mammals class and last week we drove down to woods hole to dissect a 100 pound harp seal. i stuck my hands in past the fur and blubber i held her heart and lungs with wide eyes and smile on my face. i had two very rachel jarman thoughts in a very non rachel jarman location. as i poked my fingers through the pericardium i realised all these terms sounded familiar because of all the medical television i watched. i also cursed myself for not bringing my camera to create a out of this world livejournal entry. 1 said what| post comment

[16 Sep 2007|04:09pm] ( Just Around the Riverbend ) 2 said whats| post comment

[10 Sep 2007|10:03am] (  People and Places That Ease the Anxieties of Senior Year ) post comment

[10 Jul 2007|09:38am] ( They say the unexamined life is not worth living. But what if the examining becomes your life?. Is that living or just procrastinating?- Bradshaw ) 1 said what| post comment

[03 Jul 2007|06:22pm] ( Roller Praying ) 1 said what| post comment

[25 Jun 2007|05:07pm] ( love light ) post comment

[20 Jun 2007|11:16pm] (  Wear Sunscreen ) 1 said what| post comment

[20 Jun 2007|11:15pm] ( I don’t have an internet connection in this little room of mine. ) post comment

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